Lokpal and the flood waters

The country has witnessed the brouhaha over Lokpal bill over the last few months. Reaching a fever pitch, it finally ended yesterday with the civil society of India claiming victory. But was it a victory? Yes and no. I have two views and people would say I am running with the hare and hunting with the hounds! But delve a little deeper and you would find the answer yourself. There is a set of people who have criticized Anna's way of holding the parliament to ransom and also the Jan lokpal bill itself. There is a huge chunk on the other side cheering the Jan lokpal. They outnumber the ratios with 1 : maybe a million. Very eminent visionaries have questioned the creation of another law and also Anna's way. Check out Nandan Nilekani's interview with Shekhar Gupta : Now my take 1 : While all this is right, while all this is intellectual, while all this is super looking on a paper in front of the standing committee, the supreme policy making body of the largest democracy of the world, it also should be understood and remembered that somewhere it is the government speaking. Nandan, 4 years back, talked of a lacklusture government not providing support to the city infrastructure of Bangalore. He talked of how he, as a part of a citizen charter took up various initiatives and how still work on the elevated expressway never went smoothly even after being in the running for years together. Now, wasn't that flyover delay a concern of a citizen and this speech a view of the government? With utmost respect for the reverence I have for him, I would like to ask him, one small question : The example being talked about in the interview of Public Distribution System being faulty, is again just a very small example. Yes, it is a problem, but not the only problem. As a citizen of this country, I faced a problem in getting my passport issued, how is Aadhaar or any other scheme by the government going to help me? Anna's talk of including lower bureaucracy may or may not help me, but certainly it will create the fear of law, certainly I would have an option to fallback on. Today, the police verification guy demands money, when the passport comes, the postman demands money. If I refuse to co-operate, then I am singled out by the entire system and bureaucracy and tortured till I comply. Which step has the government taken in 60 years of independence to solve my problems? This brings me to the title of this post. Flood waters! Flood waters of Mumbai which ravaged the city again today. Every damn year, the commercial capital is inundated as if it is some remote village. Roads become rivers, trains stop, common men die. I myself witnessed this in 2007 and came back home neck deep in the waters. Read my harrowing experience of 2007 here. Four years since, the government has promised to make Mumbai Shanghai, shared plans with the public about how the drainage is being overhauled, on paper. Every year the floods come, the government makes promises and gets away with the India shining bonhomie. In a way, Lokpal bill fiasco isn't just about the bill alone, it is a vent to the immense public anger, the release of the pent up energy, frustrated energy. What systems are we talking about? About systems which have not passed the Lokpal bill even 40 years since its first introduction? Critics would slam me, citing that freewill ofthe parliament is being questioned. What about the freewill of the 1000 million people? Nobody is saying Lokpal is the panacea. Yet it is a beginning. Is it not time even after 60 years to get out of the mentality of pulling down the man who makes an attempt? Who says Anna is the be all and end all. All I say is that Anna has made a beginning, the bill will still go to the parliament, its not as if it becomes a law circumventing the parliament. The lower bureaucracy works this way, it needs to be hauled up. Even Nandan would agree, a software developer doesn't work without a team lead and a team lead doesn't work without a manager. A police constable doesn't work without a sub inspector and a sub inspector doesn't work without an inspector. If all this policing wasn't needed, then probably IT companies could do by hiring freshers alone and police could do by hiring constables alone. Think about it! Now take 2 : By now, most of you would think I am a blind Anna supporter! Yeah I am, not of Anna, but of the spirit. A spirit of showing the government its place 60 years after it did so in 1947. Was it needed? Yes sir, it was. When a Manish Tiwari who considers himself a hero of sorts makes bull statements without verifying facts and then comes out with a public apology to one old man, yes sir, it was needed. When a Kapil Sibal, the eternal swagger man, is over ruled by the prime minister of the country in the parliament to show who is the boss, yes sir, it was needed. When an ignorant Salman Khurshid, admits that government made 'errors in judgement' of public mood, yes sir, it was needed. Ok, the other viewpoint. Now, the merit of Lokpal on a standalone basis - In the current shape, is it good enough? No, it is not. Most intellectuals will agree with me. This is where the people like Nandan and other visionaries of our country need to sit down and bring changes to make it effective and give it teeth. The question is not whether the lokpal agitation is justified. Frankly, justified or not, the government is the proverbial servant and it needs to be in sync with public mood. But yes, putting sense into the process and not going by the mob mentality is the government's prerogative. They need to sit down, take the common man's draft and make it effective rather than questioning the intent of it. Rather than dragging its feet on something which it should've taken a stand on 40 years back, it should gracefully play through it, not brush it under the carpet calling it trash. What disgusts me is the fact that it took a nation-full of people to tell the government that it was sleeping. It took a billion people to tell the intellectuals that they are 'just-an-elected-body'. It took a billion people to tell them, it's been 2 weeks of fast now, you have no option, but to wake up! Why does the common man have to leave his office, leave his food to wake this slumberous monster everytime? I will still not say 'Main Anna Hazare hoon' but I would stand up and applaud the sense of belief he has given back to the spineless society of India. Agar main vote dena jaanta hoon, toh le lena bhi jaanta hoon. Sibal, Tiwari and Khurshid will not counter me on this. :)

What's a daddy?

What exactly is a daddy? The head of the family? Father of a child? Characteristically yes, but in reality, much more. Father is a term, societally. Through the heart, a lot more. A lot of us, including me, wondered, what the dad-to-be's role was during pregnancy and labor. My best friend, Google, helped me a lot. But still, the differing opinions of each single individual only added to the confusion. Apart from the questions about what the father's role is to be, there are also a multitude of questions on what is good for the baby and what is not. The questions, trust me, just tear you apart. And why? Because it's your baby and not somebody else's. Unborn still, yet you feel like questioning the doctor, the medication, doing a lot of research over the internet, even though your doc is trustworthy. Is the baby doing fine? Is the position right? Are so many scans ok for the baby? I had most of these questions like any other doting, worried dad-to-be. The bottomline was : We did not have prior knowledge. We were first time parents. All we relied on, was reviews and learnings on the internet(the internet was quite helpful though :) ) Now, my wife, Tina, is a voracious internet reader. She googled a lot and came to know of an institue which had their Lamaze classes in Hyderabad, India. We chose this particular one, Healthy Mother India. You can find them here. Lamaze classes are subtle exercises which both mom and dad can learn, they wont change things dramatically or exponentially, but can definitely help you weather the storm and make it appear like a manageable wind. That night, we decided, let's give it a shot, we'll learn some exercises, even if nothing else helps. So we took the leap, and what a life-changing leap it was. Through the classes, we learnt that exercises were a small part of the course, any exercise cannot last 6 weeks with a session for 3 hours every week. We hadn't signed up for gymming. It included counselling and the essence of what motherhood and fatherhood are like. Tips on what to do and how most of the 'what-not-to-dos' are just myths. Two weeks into it, we were now more clear in the mind, on what is a myth and what is hearsay. We started questioning, not just doctors who take undue advantage of the ignorance of the people on the subject, but our own traditional unfound beliefs as well. People always raised an eye-brow on why Tina continued to go to work even in her 8th and 9th month of pregnancy. We were now confident of what we were doing. This is very important, because as a parent, if you are not confident of what you are doing, then you will start believing whatever people around you say. Most of it, again would not be trustworthy. Knowledge is the key, and there are multiple ways of getting it. Internet, personal counselling, classes like the one we attended, all help. Specially in India, there would be lot of people telling you what to eat and what not to eat, where to go and what not to do. Advice is free like air! But, right advice? not free... you gotta earn it. Let me tell you, in the ninth month, Tina and I went to watch movies in normal multiplexes on weekends with good amount of crowd. We had dinner in restaurants. Tina continued her office till the day just before delivery. To be frank, the only 'to-do' thing is to be normal. Apart from this, the one question which will haunt most 'aware' parents(to the ignorant and muharat fans, this won't matter, enjoy the bliss of your ignorance) is whether a normal delivery can be ensured. This question was also stinging our minds. Fortunately for us, our instructor Dr. Vijaya Krishnan, put a lot of sanity in the thought process. We then questioned our OB/gynaec whom we had been consulting for a good long 6 months. The hospital was super reputed, so was the gynaec. For obvious reasons, I wouldn't name both of them, take this, they are considered to be really good and their C-section rates are close to 80%, I gave them a lot of benefit of doubt there. But for that benefit of doubt, I think they would cross 80% conveniently. Our OB would hardly recognize us among the scores of patients everyday. Slowly but surely, the practices of the corporate hospital were also putting us off. Every visit would entail a scan, new medicines, checkups and appointments for the next visit. It was like a completely well thought out business strategy. On the other hand, 3-4 weeks of Lamaze classes and counselling had a telling effect on our psyche, on how to deal with the problem on hand. No longer, were we just audience, we were the players, the game was ours, we had to play. We couldn't be allowed to just sit and watch, we had to take control. That's when we decided, it was time to quit. We quit the hospital we followed for months, we did not have any complaints against the doctor we visited, it was just the unfriendliness and the mechanization of the whole process which prompted us to cut off. Now, actively, we pursued the midwifery model of delivery, prenatal checks which revolved more around asking the mother how she felt in the past few days and analyzing each single detail in case there were any troubles. This was in stark contrast against the atmosphere of assembly line tests that we were used to. Each session lasted half to an hour and it revolved only around one thing - the Mother. The baby checks were minimal. Apart from the position and the heart rate check, as long as the mother was fine, we always concluded the baby was fine. Now, isn't this how mother nature meant it to be? Are any of the mammals around us subjected to the kind of assembly line business oriented checks prenatally? All through this, I was a part, not just a spectator. I was with her in the room always, not just a driver who drove her to the clinic. Clinic is the wrong word, its a natural birthing center. Through the thick and thin, like they say, in illness and health, I was with her, every checkup, every visit... noting every detail of the supplements she needed, every food which would help her. I asked her, is there something else I could do? She said, is there something else I could ask for? This is all. Those are the kind of words which made my day everyday! The day was nearing... we waited with bated breath. She broke her bag of waters on the morning of 3rd August. Did we panic? Yes. Did the education help us? A big yes, inspite of the panic, we knew what to do. Note the color and the texture and call Vijaya :) That's what we did, the support was tremendous, 6 in the morning, she was on the phone asking Tina the details she needed. We went for an intermediary check that afternoon to the birthing center. All was well, but it could happen anytime, with this result we drove back home. That night the contractions started, I panicked again... but that's the thing. You would anyway panic, because you are human and it concerns you... but few minutes into it, sanity prevailed. I got a diary out, started timing the contractions. It was 930 PM on the 3rd of August. They progressed well, started occurring more frequently and for longer durations. We called Vijaya again, she just asked us to keep timing them and informing her about it every few hours. I was thankful for that kind of support in the midnight. It was about 230 AM on 4th August, when I thought that writing the timings of the contractions needed some innovation. I googled a bit and found the contraction timer. For all you people reading this, you can find it here. It's an easy to use tool. All you have to do is press a Start/Stop button and it gives you the exact timings to milliseconds and also tells you the time between contractions. :) Wow, some good innovation! Next morning, 4th of August at about 5 AM, Vijaya called us to the birthing center. Armed with our delivery bag, we set out, the roads were empty... drive was smooth. All through the drive I just remembered one thing I learnt, "Babies don't fly out" Even if there was traffic, they would give you a cool 3-4 hours time so that you reach your care provider. So all you dads worried about the travel time to the care provider, relax. It happens only in movies! And if its a bluemoon and it happens with you in the car, then whoa.. you are a movie star! The contractions kept getting stronger, by now, I was moving like a trained mid...maybe husband :D Just stayed with her, held her, wherever she needed help, helped her with various positions. Vijaya and Marianne, the two docs who helped us through the whole thing stood there like pillars who gave strength to the whole structure to stand. They kept analyzing how and when what was happening, the heartrate of the baby every 15 mins. They told us positions we hadn't heard about in the classes too. It was on the job learning. I held Tina right through it. It was a long long labor. But with it I saw the beauty of all of it. Nothing is left to chance, nothing is left unplanned by the nature. Each single contraction, each single pain produces hormones which release endorphins which act like pain killers and help you weather the process. The birthing process is so beautifully crafted in a way that you cannot imagine, its a process that will teach you that no amount of science can replicate such a deeply intricate process. Each step in itself is a marvel. Step 1 releases a hormone that leads to Step 2, Step 2 releases another which leads to step 3. You can only marvel at all this as a Dad, simply because your body is not capable of this. The female body is. I was astounded, a little scared to see the lengths to which Tina was able to pull it off, she grunted like a beast, possessed, to deliver her baby. This is the nature's path breaking moment which comes in every mother's life, and I would plead to all the ladies, let it come the way it is meant to come. Do not tamper, unless there is some complication you are going through. After a long labor and pushing using multiple positions, the angel surfaced. Surfaced at 1540 India time, 4th of August, 2011. Tired after a lot of work, the baby looked a little worn out too :) But a pat on her back and she screamed... screamed like there was no tomorrow. And I, I just stood there standing. I stood standing without a single word escaping my lips. My eyes were not moist, they were wet. I had just experienced the spectacle, the birth of my daughter. Words failed me, I thanked God and nature for what they built into a small square foot of the mother's body. I thanked God and nature for the intricate processes which they built, processes which are foolproof, processes which never had to go through a CmmI or an ISO rating. I thanked Vijaya and Marianne for all their experience and support. But yet, I just stood there standing. What's a dad anyway? Nothing much, but he can support. Support that his baby will call him by a name tomorrow : 'Papa'. Love to my baby Advika, my wife Tina(or Shiva as she is officially known), to my parents and my care providers Vijaya and Marianne without whom it wouldn't have been possible.

The blog has moved!

Hello people

My blog has now moved to my own website for better usability and integration with the other parts of the website.

You can access the blog here

Alternatively, you can also paste the below code in your browser :
http://www.akshaykakkar.com/blog.html

My website is :
http://www.akshaykakkar.com

Thanks for all the support.. hope to see you at the new address.

wedding, Tamasha.. and a bit of "Royalty" to it!

Yes, the royal tamasha has just ended!
The euphoria has finally faded and Britain plans to go back to work tomorrow.

For the uninitiated, tamasha is an Indian term, which signifies a 'song and dance' routine.

What was it really?
A tempest in a teapot or something more?
It was an event of 2 individuals taking the vows, but the media coverage that they got was maybe a tad bit more than what the 911 got.
Multiply it by the euphoria of 60 million Britons and you get what you call a 'National Tamasha'.
Multiply it by 100 more, that would catapult the event to being an 'Epic Tamasha'.. a tamasha with an international flavour.

We'll talk later if the British royal family even deserves the attention they are getting.
The British royals are no self sufficient hard workers.
They are among Britain's biggest parasites.
They receive a government grant of about 43 million pounds a year to cover their daily expenses. But the public cost of the wedding far exceeds that.

Now have a look on the expenses incurred :
1. Extra policing and overtime alone is estimated at more than $35 million.
2. When all the people are celebrating, they're not working. And because the wedding holiday falls between two long holiday weekends in England, you can take 11 days off by burning only three days of vacation time.
That could bite atleast a quarter of their GDP for this quarter.
3. The wedding expenses are rumoured to be in excess of $50 billion.



First, the money belongs to the taxpayer, the state exchequer.
The wedding expenditure far exceeds the grants given to the lazy and lethargic royals.
$50 billion is something which is a medium sized country's GDP.
$50 billion could feed all the hungry children around the globe for atleast a couple of months.
$50 billion is what the blue chip Indian software sector earns in one year.
$50 billion is what India earmarked for 5 years to fuel the Urban growth in 30 cities by renewing the urban infrastructure.
$50 billion is what India pays for its defence deals in 2 years which help countries like Britain in running the show in the times of recession. Compare this with the following figure : India had procured 66 hawk advanced jet trainers from Britain for just a billion dollars. Pittance... right?

Now, come to the more philosophical part.. the poetic part of it.
The Britons were cheering.. laughing.. jumping at the sight of Kate and the not-so-good-looking William(I don't want to be rude, but he resembles VVS Laxman with a lot of talcum powder on his face) kissing.

Oops, a kiss that costed them a few billion dollars.
The money that they save up and pay in taxes, the money that the Royals use like it was their right!
The so called Prince... what was his name again.. ah.. William.. I would want to ask him what he thinks of Britain's sinking economy, what does he think of NATO strikes on Libya.
I know he's serving the Royal air force in some capacity, yeah, but who would know what capacity! He's the second in line to the throne.. a virtual throne .. which doesn't give them one penny a year.

Britain, in the recent past has become conservative, trade wise.
They have contained the skilled work force visas by a big margin.
They are following the once-famous-but-now-very-ordinary Obama's path of protectionism in trade.
Why? To save them the pounds.. to save them an economy which had a glorious past.
The country is now ageing and it shows in their result book, yet they choose to spend on seemingly insignificant things, and cry hoarse when the government fails to provide the people jobs.
Ridiculous. Preposterous.

Sample this against a developing country like India.
I am absolutely sure, there would
a. be no such event even if it were Rahul Gandhi's wedding.
b. No king of the past (oh yea.. we have had them in droves.. with a much richer past than what the Britain's royals have had) would dare to ask the state exchequer to foot the bill.

It's very ironical that a country with a democratic setup would advertise monarchy to such big proportions, however dear the parasites may be to their citizens.

I am really not too sure because I am not a British citizen, but I would be surprised if the average Briton actually supports such vulgar displays of public wealth.
Maybe, many young Britons are happy, because they just got 11 days off.. thanks to the wedding.

Truly a tamasha of epic proportions!
Long Live Great Britain.



PS : Kate looks lovely though!

Russian babes or Russian babies?

Well, Russian babes or Russian babies?

The answer is not straight!
If you are a guy, in your wonder years, then choice 1.
If you are a girl/woman who is old school, or if you are a man who's settled, then choice 2.
Exceptions galore!

Check out any fashion week, all the babes would be Russian or from the nearby CIS countries.
Even today, walk in the streets and you would find much more than average looking ladies everywhere.
Be it a simple grocery purchase, they come decked up like its a party!
Not without reason, have they gained acclaim around the globe for their beauty.
Maybe its the tough and inclement weather conditions that give them the good looking build.

Christiano Ronaldo's current flame is a Russian supermodel, Irina Shayk.


Well, she's the quintessential 'Oh-My-God' babe.

Now have a look at the guy with her


As much as i dislike deviating from the topic, I cannot help but comment on this idiotic looking guy.
He is the quintessential 'oh-WTF' guy.
I have seen a few of his interviews, he doesn't even know how to speak what we call 'basic'.
He talks like the cheesy guys in the bar who ogle at women. He looks like that too.
Absolute 'no-class' guy.
So why is Irina with him?
Ah... show me the money, honey!
Plus the fame of being a footballer's WAG apart from being a supermodel!!

Now choice 2:
I have started noticing them quite a lot on my recent trips to Russia.
Have been touring this place for a long time, but more recently, these sugary cuties have started catching my eye!




On my last visit a couple of weeks back, a small baby boy, maybe about a year or a couple of months over, was at the security check in counter of the airport.
This guy had his shoe fitted on his left hand, it was a fur lined shoe.
He had put his hand in the shoe and was running all over the place with his hand held high... that was his airplane.
Suddenly he came near me and I too did the same thing, put my hand in my shoe!
He was taken aback... something struck him... he had competition, he stopped and started looking at me like a deer lost in the headlights.
I showed him my airplane and told him that it was bigger than his plane.
Obviously he did not understand, but now he wanted my airplane.
He gave me his shoe and started tugging at mine!
His mom came over... smiled and took away his 'airplane'.. said.. 'isvinite' (excuse me)...
I smiled.. and said that she had a very beautiful baby! :)
The joy on her face was something to behold.

Today, I again encountered 2 more such cute babies on my way back to India.
One at Ekaterinburg airport... this time it was an infant dressed in black.
He had stuffed cheeks that drooped like a fruit laden tree branch.
He barely knew how to walk, but the terminal was spacious and there were not many people.
So his mother allowed him to take a walk.
He did, and how!!
He wowed all the people around, because he walked a couple of steps to whoever was sitting nearby, went to them and just hugged their legs like he knew them forever.
Then he looked at them, made some gurgling noise and moved a few steps again.. then the next person.. hug hug.. that's all he did!
I was no exception... he was moving in a circle.. he came to me and did the same.
I picked him up. His mom, probably a little worried seeing a non-white guy came across, but then when she saw my smiling face and the comfort that the child was showing, she too smiled :)
It was a lovely moment.

Take-2, Moscow airport :
Here, the story went a little further.. a girl, all of 3 or 4 years.
But the same Russian cuteness overflowing...
She was in pink, pink cap, pink top, pink pajamas, pink shoes.
I was sipping my Pepsi diet, she was a couple of feet from me. I said : Hey, pink panther!
She smiled... then moved a couple of steps forward, turned back and gave me the smile which made my day.
Then again moved a few steps and turned back to see if I was still looking.
I was..
and she was happy!
Then she ran to her dad who brought the luggage stowed on a trolley.
She started speaking to him, but every few seconds turned to see if I was paying attention.
I was beginning to enjoy this!
Very few things in the world give you joy like playing with children.. it might be a game or something like this.. where there is eye contact and you just go wow!

She started to feel a little uncomfortable in the heavy coat that she was wearing.
Now, she told her dad to take it off.. but for some reason he wasn't willing to.
She turned again to see.. I was still looking, then she sat on a seat and started taking it off herself.
Once she was off with her coat and cap, for some strange reason, she wanted to put in on the trolley which her dad did not allow her to do because the luggage was a little dirty and her coat would get dirty as well.
Then he made her sit on a seat and went to get something.
She sat for a couple of minutes till he was out of sight, then she just looked around.
She put her cap in the hand luggage area of the trolley and covered it with a cloth so that her dad wouldn't see.
Then there were a couple of suitcases piled one over the other.
She wanted to stuff her coat in between them so that her dad doesn't notice.
But the suitcase was too heavy for her to move.
She looked at me like a child who had got lost in a mall :( .. eyes that said, "Please, help me".
I just went to her place and put the coat on the suitcase, sensing that her dad wont like it, she pointed at the place between the 2 suitcases and gestured at me to push it in between... I looked at her and smiled.
Taken in by her innocence, I just did what she said.

She was so happy, her face was now grinning!! End to end.
This is such a crazy and small thing... but it brought so much joy to both of us...
Then it was time for me to board.
I said.. 'dasvidaniya'.. she said..'svidaniya'
I waited to see if her dad was in sight.. I did not make it obvious, but I waited till he came over, then I left.
When I was leaving, I saw her again... she was so happy that her dad hadn't yet noticed the cap and the coat which were on the trolley.

These incidents made the end to my otherwise trying trip, fantabulous.

My vote : choice 2.

Why does nostalgia 'ALWAYS' feel so good

The best times in one's life are the ones that have been spent in the past.

Everytime you think of one such time in your life, it evokes a nostalgic feeling.
As a human, we tend to forget the things that happen in our lives, both good or bad.

But a small glimpse of a photograph or a fleeting thought of something which reminds you of those good times sends you packing back in the past.
The feeling is superlatively special to you but you cannot share it with anyone because people, however close, will not relate to your nostalgia unless they have been a part of it themselves.



It's like a cup of hot coffee with a topping of chocolate sauce and fresh cream on a snowy day.
You are on a busy traffic median with traffic zipping past you in both directions... there you stand all unaffected with that cup of coffee and snow flaking on your shoulders... you look around dazed, but the surroundings don't affect you.
That's because the nostalgic feeling makes you numb to your present troubles.
For a moment, you forget whatever is bothering you today and just feel happy for that time that you spent in the past.
This is nostalgia.
No definition in any dictionary can define it.

A person could feel nostalgic about his high school cricket team..
About his crushes which never went to stage-2..
About college life.. hostel life..
About the first few days in your first job...
Basically just about anything that makes you feel happy..
Just a couple of days back i saw some pictures of a long lost friend on fb who was on some common friend's profile .. just remembered all the good times we had..
For that next 10-15 mins, the world's troubles could not touch me.

There are other kinds of nostalgias as well.. those that are invoked by listening to songs.
This, the Indian audience will appreciate.
In India, we have songs for every occassion. Some of them take you back in your memory lane and bring back all those good times.

'Live in the present' is a famous saying.. well, not always.
When you have time to introspect, have those few moments where there is just you and nobody else, it's an absolutely good idea to go back into the past.
It refreshes you like nothing else!
Try it out.

But, despite all that, its only a feeling which is virtual... which will make you feel good for a few moments.
It's not real. It 'was' real once upon a time.. not anymore.
Maybe that's why it's beautiful.

A famous song from a Hindi movie in the 1970s rings through my ears...
"Zindagi ke safar mein guzar jaate hain jo makaam woh fir nahi aate.. woh fir nahi aate"
--All the milestones that you cross in your life, will never come back.. will never come back.

But you can feel good that they came once in your life!

Can loneliness break you?

Lonely I'm Mr Lonely,
I have nobody,
For my own

People often confuse the world with the words : lonely and alone.
Lonely is something which you feel from within yourself, nobody can force you to feel lonely.
Alone is what you are when you are with nobody physically.
You can feel lonely with 20 people around you and that's precisely what I am going through.

How lonely can one get?
Can it ever get so lonely to the point that it could kill you?
Well yes, if not physically, then of course mentally.

It doesn't matter what the quantum or the timeframe is... you can start feeling lonely even in a day.
This has become a way of life for me now... since the time I opted to come to a godforsaken place called Ekaterinburg.

The temperatures are bone chilling. Moscow now feels like a summer resort.
The day I landed it was -27 degrees C ... later that night, it plummeted a little further.
The next morning, like a labourer on the job, I started from the hotel when it was -31 degrees C.

On the first walk to the office, a few tears slipped out of my eyes because of the wind chill and fell on my glasses.
When i reached office, I realized that the haze that was on my glasses were a few of my tear drops which had frozen on my glasses.
That's when I realized I had taken the wrong bus and reached a place I should not have.

But those were only the teething troubles which I got used to in a while... what kills me now is the loneliness.
I can grapple with lack of good food, infact that's the only silver lining here... i lose a good number of KGs when I come here.

The opposition is stiff and hostile, I can deal with that.. i don't care a damn.
The food and weather is adverse, been there, done that, dealt with it before.
But this is the first time, I realize how difficult it is to live without the ones you love.

Jack said to Rose in Titanic :
'Dont jump, you dont want to feel that kind of thing... water that cold, it feels like a thousand needles pricking on your body'
In my case, it's not the water, its the loneliness that pricks me like a thousand knives.

If you do not have a close one whom you can confide to, it gets claustrophobic after a while.
Just yesterday, I got to hear something from someone which I did not like.
It affected my whole day. I flipped at everyone and everything after that.
Later in the night, I realized it was only because of the feeling of loneliness and as a result I felt helpless at most things that I would just brush off when I would be home.

The biggest things that can affect you do not lie outside you.

You can look within yourself and resolve most things.. but loneliness will kill you from deep within.
I sometimes wonder, what Ajmal Kasab would be feeling like now. He should never be hanged because death is an easier penalty to pay.
Few days back, I had read that he started abusing the guards on duty to provoke them.
Reason : The constables have an order from the authorities that bar them from talking to him.
He has nothing to do at all, no jail work like gardening or any other errand. He cant sleep forever too.
He is going crazy because of his loneliness.

That is why I say loneliness can kill you from deep within.
Tonight I plan to sit with a few of my office buddies and sing a lot of songs!
Weird hobby, but it will drive away the blues I hope.

Another few days here before I reach Moscow, that's when I can say 'AWESOME'.